This journey is long, the journey to self. It can be a lonely journey. It can be hard, but the one thing that will make the long, lonely hard moments easier is trust. Not only trusting God/Source/Universe and what is unfolding but trusting in ourselves.
Why is trusting ourselves everything? It just is, because when there is no where to turn we turn inward and we find comfort in the uncomfortable. When we feel doubt we are not connected to source or ourselves.
You’ve gotten through so much shit in your life, and why were you able to? One word, you. Trust that everything you’ve been through has gotten you to this point and you can continue to get through anything that comes your way. You’ve proven it time and time again, you can overcome obstacles in your life you thought you might not make it though. Right?
Intuition has lead me at different points in my life but when things do get overwhelming you better believe I don’t go to my friends, or to my parents or even to mentors, right away at least. All of those people can lead you to the right answer but truly only you know what the right answer is. We are all different and we get our answers from different sources but turning inward and standing firm in trusting yourself is so important. When you turn inward a trust is formed and it grows stronger every time you listen.
A few years ago I thought I was set. My life was looking better than it even had. I was in my early twenties with an office job that was a secure job and gave me a set schedule, better pay than I ever had and benefits. Just bought my first car had my own apartment and everything felt stable but not what I was definitely not doing what I was passionate about.
Everyday I went to work dragging there even though I was so grateful for the job that’s really all it was to me was a job. I spent a lot of my time there dreaming of my future and where I wanted to travel to and how I really wanted my life to look. I was obsessed with energetic healing and chakras but hid that part of me away from the world especially the office workers and doctors I worked with. They probably would have thought I was nuts to even believe in any of that woo woo, but I knew that healing was my calling not answering phones and making appointments.
The months went on and things were changing and I felt the shifts. The company was sold to a big corporate office and the place and the work was getting more unbearable. One day, I had a pit in my stomach that felt like anxiety and fear. My manager was unimpressed by my work and said I better improve and fast. She was always that worker that tried to make everyone else feel like they were worthless just because she felt like she did so much work for the company and it was all very passive aggressive. Before I ramble about how terrible the treatment was there I felt this nudge inward, to leave and give my notice to her right in that moment.
I was terrified. What would I do for work? How would I pay my rent? Would I have to get rid of my car? fear penetrated through my body but I knew leaving was what was meant for me. I could have held on and “gotten better” at the job but I learned something way more valuable that day. I was never going to accept less than what I was worth, and even if it was not being appreciated by my boss that was enough for me to move on. I found 2 new jobs and had to hustle a little but I was provided for and I met so many amazing people after leaving that job. Even though the money was much less and the hours were very inconsistent I was so much more happy. I trusted that gut instinct and to this day I know that was a huge moment for me. That was when I started trusting myself and I knew I would always have the right answer if I just trusted.
When we are disconnected from our inner compass every choice feels scary. About 2 year ago I became very untrusting to the world, and myself. This was long after leaving the office job. A huge part me of was broken from being so disrespected. I told you the story of when I trusted myself and I felt so empowered even though I was scared. A time when I didn’t trust myself happened very quickly. One moment I was feeling my best and the next I felt very weak and very scared. Without a single place to feel safe. Have you ever felt that way? Here’s a time when I didn’t trust myself and it was a really hard time of my life. One night I went out with a friend after working on some school projects. We went downtown for a few drinks and some dancing. My friend went outside for what I thought was only a minute. I was on my second drink and felt fine. That was the last thing I remember. I woke up in my bed with no recollection of what happened. I felt violated. Sadly I shoved this down and blamed myself. I lost my trust. I didn’t protect myself. I wasn’t there for myself. I became more and more detached the next year, because when we don’t deal with our pain it manifests in other ways. Finally everything had gotten so dark and cold I had no where to turn. So I came back to what I knew always got me through every challenge I’ve come across. I turned inward. It wasn’t pretty awful hard work facing all the inner demons I had been ignoring for so long now but I reconnected with myself, and I found my trust again. For the longest time I didn’t feel safe in my body, and I could easily detach or numb myself with weed and alcohol. When I turned inward and surrendered to the pain I was carrying I felt a stillness. That even though it wasn’t ok right now, I could trust it would be now that I had myself again. I was safe in my body again.
When we are disconnected from ourselves we are disconnected to the realization that all of the answers are there and we just have to listen. If you feel a disconnection to yourself that’s alright, just find a way to connect back. This will look different for everyone maybe you are an artist who needs to connect back with your art, maybe you’re someone who loves taking care of their body and you just need to connect back to your favorite workout, maybe you connect with yourself through yoga or moving your body through dance. Maybe you just need to rest to connect back to your energy. What ever you need to do to connect back, listen. Trust that you already know exactly what you need. I’ve been pausing and I’ve been needing extra self care and instead of making myself feel guilty for not doing more work I rest and pamper myself and then the creation flows after, and it wouldn’t have been able to unless I took a moment and listened to what I needed.
This has been a gift. Trust is easy when everything is going right but when you can trust yourself when everything is crumbling down around you, this is a treasure. A feeling of gold, that no matter what happens you’re going to be ok because you know you have this inner guidance. Even when fear is present you have the trusting that everything will be alright. Listen, and accept what your trying to tell yourself. Maybe it’s time to leave that job, maybe it’s time to take a leap in your relationship, maybe it’s time to move Or maybe it’s time to take a nap. What ever you’re being told inside, do it. You won’t regret trusting yourself.
Diving Deep 