You choose what you believe. You get to believe what feels right to you. This is a broad and very complex subject but I’ve felt such a huge importance to express it and write a post for it. I will do my best to respect every point of view and every belief because the importance of this post is not to tell you what I believe, but to express the importance of believing in what you believe in, no matter what it is.
I’ll start with reflecting I respect any and every view. I find truth in all religions, Omnism I believe it’s called. We will all have different views and we live in a time where we have much more freedom than many ever have had before, but there are obstacles that keep us from connecting on this subject and it just comes down to thinking this view is correct or that view is better. When really what ever you believe must have truth to it because it is what resonates with you, and someone else is t wrong just because they may have a different belief. It keeps us separated thinking we have to believe the same thing to connect with others on what we believe.
I’ve been connecting with the crown chakra. This chakra is at the top of your head. It is your connection to the divine, source, creation. This energy center has the ability to give you clarity of your life and your purpose, why you are here. This month it has been my magic tool for not fearing the uncertainty. Right now we need this more than ever. TRIGGER WARNING (this post may have triggers please only read if you feel open) I have always believed in source, a higher power, or “God”. I grew up in an interesting household with parents who had very different views than I myself did. They didn’t believe in a God, or maybe they had lost touch of the relationship, what ever the case was they never spoke about what they believed, it was a subject we didn’t go very in depth on. I was very lucky in the way they told me believe what ever I want, just follow my heart. This was such a gift because they never pushed their beliefs on me and I felt the freedom to choose what it was I was going to believe in, even though I would have loved to connect with them on this I understand that wasn’t something they wanted and that was ok. Up until high school my perception of “God” was very loose, I felt it was a relationship with an angel, I prayed and definitely felt a connection. Sometime in high school my little brother started going to the Christian church down the street. I was hesitant at first but with the encouragement of my brother and our childhood friend I thought what do I have to lose. This started a chapter in my life I never saw coming. I felt like I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life. I loved the singing the praising and I loved connecting with people who had similar beliefs that I did. I felt safe, maybe the first time in my life. Even though Christianity is no longer what I believe in I will always hold this time and this religion close, I still believe the religion has many truths (as do most religions to me) but overall it was no longer my truth. I really did get saved at that point in my life. The questionable road I was once headed down with the wrong crowd was now in the distance. I had guidance for the first time in my life. I felt I had something watching over me, like a love I never had before. A trust was formed with something higher and a trust was formed with myself.
The years went on, my first boyfriend was the new relationship I was focusing on. I was losing the relationship I built with “God” everyday and I grew more and more distant from myself. I didn’t believe in religion anymore, or at least I was heavily questioning it at this point. I was on this dark path again, the one I thought I escaped. The months turned into years and I had no idea what I believed in or how to get back to where I was. I lost my first apartment, had to move back in with the parents and we all know how terrible that feels. I was losing everything around me and then I got pregnant…. the last thing I could deal with at that time. I knew the relationship I had was so toxic at the time and if I made the choice to be a young mom I would be doing it alone. Without the support of the dad, and my family I knew what I had to do and even though it was the hardest choice I could barely take care of myself and I knew I couldn’t take care of a baby. After getting an abortion I knew Christianity wasn’t an option for me anymore and honestly I didn’t want it to be. I went into a dark depression. My family was distant, they treated me like I was a disease. I lost everything and everyone, but I could still feel a guidance like the one I had before, it was faint but very present. I thought I was getting back up on my feet but the pain was still so strong. I felt disgusted by myself. I hated the choice I made and I hated myself. The only thought I had of God was “there’s no way God has time to love such a screw up like me”. I was having suicidal feelings more and more as the days went on. I felt like I had no reason to be there, no drive and no motivation to pick up all the broken pieces that were shattered. Having no one to talk to was hard so I went to my mom, I thought if anyone could love me right now it’s her. I was wrong. Maybe she loved me but she sure didn’t make it any better, actually a lot worse. That was the last conversation I was maybe deciding to have. I told her how broken I was and told her I didn’t know how to move on. She told me “you made this choice now live with it”. That’s the last thing you should tell someone who is suicidal. I rushed upstairs thinking no, actually I don’t have to live with this, I can make it end right now. I reached for the bottom drawer of my nightstand where I had some pain pills left. I poured all 8 out and right before I was about to take them, my bible caught my attention. It was also in that drawer and hadn’t been touched in years. I knew I was suppose to read it right in that moment and I can’t recall exactly what page I landed on but it was the page I needed. The words that saved me on a whole other level. It was so divine. That passage spoke to me, I felt forgiven and I felt like everything I went through was going to make me stronger for the purpose I was put here to fulfill, and even though it felt unbearable, I was going to be ok because I was meant to carry on. I am still brought to tears looking back at this time because I am so grateful I decided not to give up. It wasn’t because of my friends, it wasn’t because the guy I was with, not my parents or family and not even myself. It was because there was a higher power watching over me. I was guided through that extremely painful time in my life and I want the same for every single person on this planet to be held when they are lost, broken and ready to give up. It doesn’t have to look like religion, it doesn’t have to be “awkward” having a connection you can’t necessarily see. It can be the a light in the darkness. Hope when you think there is nothing left to hope for. This relationship saved my life, and still does. If you are breathing you have a purpose. I wasn’t aware of this before but now it’s hard to ignore.
For most of human existence we have had an imbalance between the logical and the intuitive. Logic has run our lives, and the world. We have been in this masculine energy for far to long, neglecting our creativity, our souls and even our emotions. Logic has been great for our world, don’t get me wrong. Technology has grown, cities and so much more, but we have become detached to what we believe. Logic won’t save you when your life is crashing down into pieces around you. Logic won’t be the thing that keeps you going when everything else says give up. That inner knowing, that inner guidance will get you past anything, every time. God is everywhere. God is everything. I’ve been terrified to share these parts of myself but it’s such a huge part ever since I went through that dark time. It’s still what gets me through every dark time. I know not everyone will have the same view as me and that kept me quite for most of my life. I am starting to see it’s not about pushing our beliefs, it’s not about “saving” someone. It’s about creating connection. At the end of the day all of us just want something to believe in, especially in these uncertain times. Some of us have hidden it and some of us have shoved it down so far that we haven’t asked ourselves what we believe in a long time. This is our chance to reconnect with our truths. We all are going to have different beliefs but that doesn’t mean we should stop sharing these important parts of ourselves. This world is so beautiful and the people I have shared my story with I appreciate so much. They reflect back the beauty of love, connection and source. Thank you all so much for letting me share my story. We all have this life force energy inside and we are alive. What a fucking gift. Thank you so much for holding space for this post, and thank you for being apart of this world at this very time. We are ALL here to make a difference and you are here for a reason. Trust and accept this. If you’d like to go deeper in any of this or anything you’re going through please reach out. Thank you guys!
Diving Deep 